let the growth begin.
I think we sometimes forget that growth can be demonstrated by more than just how our lives are progressing or what we have going on at the moment.
This girl I know always talks about how much she’s grown over the last couple of years. She got a new job, bought a house, went back to school, lost weight, and from the outside it appears as if she’s straight up killing it. Unfortunately, she is still plagued with insecurity and fear that translates to bitterness and resentment for others who probably don’t deserve it. It’s as if everything is a competition, and she is intent to prove she’s winning. She’s working harder, looking better, making more money, GROWING more than anyone else, and the smallest threat to that progress unleashes the unhealthiest behaviors. Because what she forgot to work on was what was going on inside.
She forgot about her fear of being left by the people she loved. She forgot that her self worth does not lie in how good she looks in a pair of jeans or the number on the scale. She became so obsessed with how good everything is going on the outside (not just to others but even herself) that she forgot to nurture what was happening inside. “If I can just hit these milestones, buy a home, get engaged, get that job, I will finally feel worthy.”
Well… I got them all, and I still don’t feel it. Surprise. It’s me, I’m the girl.
I’ve spent the last couple of years working so hard to improve my life and myself, and from the outside I really have. I’m in the happiest and healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m going to school for what I love and preparing for a career where I will be able to finally earn enough money to live the life I want. I bought my own home. I lost 20 pounds. I got the raise at work. I have more friends.
And yet… there’s still something inside of me that tells me that not only is this not good enough, I don’t even deserve it. And that’s the thing I should’ve been working on all along. That low self worth that has festered inside of me, being egged on by every negative experience I encounter, never got the attention it so desperately needed.
Luckily, it’s not too late. It’s something that is definitely still there to work on, and something that I am trying to become more aware of everyday. Because as much as it hurts to acknowledge that I don’t always love myself, and I really can be a bitter bitch sometimes… that self awareness is the only thing that’s going to help me grow. Like actually grow.
Sometimes I think we get too caught up in having it all, and hitting the milestones, and making the outside look perfect. And while all of that is important, if we continue to neglect what’s going on internally, we’re going to be left with a really pretty house built in a hurricane zone. At any second we could lose it all. I don’t want to lose everything I worked for, in fact, it’s probably my biggest fear. So despite being terrified of facing these feelings of unworthiness, I think it’s about damn time to let the growth begin.
